Career and Life Planning Guidebook for Medical Residents

SECTION I: T MINUS THREE YEARS conversation. If you find yourself frequently getting into heated arguments, whether exploding and yelling or ending in complete shut down without acceptable resolution, this book is filledwith helpful, actionable tips. The goal in strengthening your communication strategies is to be able to express a concern, worry, dislike, or ask for something fromyour partner in away that supports and works with the relationship rather than shutting things down just to have your point made. Try to see the bigger picture and use body language and words that will invite conversation, discussion, and collaboration. Step 2: Be honest about your feelings. Sometimeswefeelworriedthatourtruefeelingswillhurt someone else, especially our spouse who we know so intimately. However, it’s important to be real about your feelings in order to make good decisions together that will make you both happy. You can honestly express yourself without blaming your spouse. Try this by using some of the techniques of non-violent communication that we outlined in Step 1 or refer back to Adler’s Ted Talk on “Three Steps To Happier Relationships.” Step 3: Be open to your SO’s stance Try to understand your partner’s perspective and needs by stepping into their shoes and viewing what they express through their lens, not through your own. Work to be present with them and actively listen to what they are saying to you without judgment and with equal importance as your feelings and needs. What are they experiencing and feeling? Just as you do in patient encounters, you can apply your active listening tools using the technique called “reflecting,” which is simply repeating back a few key words of what the other person has said. It lets them know you are with them. You can also guess at the deeper meaning of what they are trying to say. For example, if your partner says, “I really want a nice house somewhere near friends and have weekends off,” you could respond with “you want built-in family time on the schedule.” This gives thema chance to agreewith you or correct your guess. Don’t be afraid to guess wrong, just give it an honest effort, because the other person will sense that you are trying to understand them and they want to be understood. Bottom line is that youwant to tryyour best to communicate that you are hearing them, which will give them encouragement to go deeper with their sharing. Step 4: Understand that it’s OK to disagree! You won’t always see eye-to-eye on everything, but that’s ok! The important part is to remain fair and respectful even when you do disagree. Find some common ground where you can and revisit the areas that remain unresolved at a later time. You never knowwhen things will change! Additionally, when things look like they are in conflict, back up a step and think aboutwhyyou oryour partner want that specific thing in the first place. Is that thing what you really want or does it represent something? Take a motorcycle for example. Does a motorcycle actually represent a deeper feeling of freedom for you, while it represents a feeling of loss for your spouse whose relative died in a motorcycle accident? How else might you be able to bring that deeper feeling into your life so that you get what you really want, while also respecting your spouse’s wishes? Step 5: Dig deep Dig deep and follow your instincts. What feels right for both of you? Sometimes you can’t logically express what “feels right” and that’s ok! If you are spiritual, pray or meditate together, then share what insights you gain. The more space and silence you allow yourself, instead of filling space with mental chatter, the more you’ll be able to connect with the deeper wisdom available to you. CAREER AND LIFE PLANNING GUIDEBOOK FOR MEDICAL RESIDENTS 78